LYWNE, S I L

If i can say my 2023 begins with undesireable things. Thought i was better than yesterday i was mature than last year, it was all wrong. I am not her yet, one thing that makes me still stay is however i try to avoid it, I'll just make it worse. Moreover as long as you havent reached heaven, it won't be easy forever. I keep telling myself 'you ok, you alright, everything's gonna be fine' but always ended up disappointed with myself. Sometimes i keep telling myself to stop pretend. I was so pissed off when that thing was coming to my mind. Keep pushing and arguing all alone with my own self.

Lately was never been easy. I was the one who has to blame for all of the stupid shit happened. You think im insane huh? Cause yeah i think I'm not myself right now. I am not who i was. Some of my friends maybe seeing me out of control lately maybe they seeing me being crazy over something that i shouldn't do that. If only you were asking how am i right now, am i not ashame at all? Am i really doing it sobber? If only i can control myself and i have something that i can hold on to. It's all my coping mechanism, you don't know how hard it is for me to understand my own feeling, to understand what i really want and to understand how hard it is to be me. Call me anything you want, im fanatic, im crazy, im shameless, im insane, im dumb, just call me anything. At least you still can see me being uncontrollable rather than not at all.

I've spent so many nights, seeing the lights, seeing the dark. The life with so many color, the life that I've never seen before. Im tripping sometimes, rising sometimes. Losing a hope but never last long. I used to wrote so many feelings on a paper, till the 'i can't write it out anymore. I'm more like i should be quite than overactive cause i might get regret easily.

Happy birthday little elf🧚‍♀️ 

Cheers for the 21 years and more beautiful years ahead. Loving You Was Not Easy, So I Learned.

P.s. these words are from different times, i put it all in one just to remember how full of mix emotions life is.